Politeness Is Killing Your Product

A Senior Leader's Guide to High-Impact Product Feedback

Great products aren’t born — they’re pressure-tested into existence.

Most product teams have rituals for sharing work at different stages. At FullStory and LaunchNotes, I hosted “Product Studio.” At Atlassian, we “Sparred.” At H-E-B, we dubbed the time “Design Lab.” But the ritual alone isn’t what sharpens the work. What matters is whether truth makes it into the room.

Every time product feedback culture slipped on my teams, I could trace it back to two blind spots: What I modeled, and what I taught the team to expect.

I remember (painfully) a situation when I set a product strategy that called for a major investment — and the team quickly realized it was 10x harder and far less valuable than we’d hoped. But week after week, review after review, no one — including me — said the hard thing. It dragged on, burning trust, wasting time, and leaving the customer with a half-baked solution no one believed in. (Looking back, I think I fell victim to anti-pattern 2, below.)

The quality of your product is a reflection of what your team is willing to say out loud. As a senior product or UX leader, your job is to build a culture where truth can survive the room.

Here’s how to fix yourself first, then your team — by avoiding common feedback traps and tailoring input to each stage of product development.

Fix Yourself First

If you're the most senior person in the room, you're shaping outcomes — even when you think you're just brainstorming. Your musings become mandates. Your preferences ripple through roadmaps.

So ask yourself: How much is getting built just because people think you want it? Even when it’s wrong? Your role is to make truth safe. Here's how:

Name the Power Dynamic. Say it out loud:

“I know I’m the VP, but I’m genuinely unsure about this direction. I need your perspective — especially if it contradicts mine.”

This clears the air and creates permission for challenge. Shoutout to Agata Bugaj from my time at FullStory — a masterclass in making others feel empowered to disagree.

Model Messiness. Let your team see you struggle. Share half-baked thinking:

“I’m stuck between three paths. What are we not seeing?”

This isn’t just vulnerability for its own sake — it normalizes ambiguity and invites others into your thought process.

Celebrate Disagreement. When someone pushes back, highlight it:

“That challenge helped me see the blind spot. Thank you.”

The more you highlight candor, the more you’ll get it. Disagreement isn’t a threat — it’s the oxygen of great work.

Then Fix the Room

Even on high-performing teams, feedback sessions go sideways in subtle ways. The habits are familiar. The damage is quiet. But over time, the cost is massive.

As I’ve reflected, I found three anti-patterns to watch for (ones that I should have caught earlier) — and an opportunity to emphasize the importance of the phase to frame feedback requests.

Anti-Pattern 1: Validation Over Truth

It’s natural to want validation. We all crave affirmation, especially when we’ve worked hard. But when teams show up to feedback sessions looking for applause instead of critique, the product gets weaker — even when everyone means well.

What it looks like:
Designs arrive glossy and over-polished. Nobody asks hard questions. You feel tension in the room when someone critiques anything significant.

Why it’s dangerous:
Instead of evolving the idea, the team protects it. Risk-taking fades. The work plateaus because everyone’s afraid to poke holes in it.

What to do:

• Praise in-progress, messy work.

• Ask directly: “What are you unsure about?”

• Set the norm: Feedback isn’t failure — it’s forward motion.

Anti-Pattern 2: Defending Over Discovering

When feedback sessions turn into mini-trials, something's broken. The goal isn't to defend the solution — it's to explore the unknown. If your team treats critique like attack, innovation dies on the vine.

What it looks like:
Every comment gets a counterargument. Docs sound airtight but aren’t evolving. Sessions feel like debates, not collaborative discovery.

Why it’s dangerous:
Teams stop listening. Nobody wants to be wrong. And the product calcifies.

What to do:

• Try a "no-rebuttal" rule for one session. Only listening allowed.

• Ask presenters to name 2–3 things they're unsure about before they begin.

• Reinforce this truth: We’re not defending work, we’re discovering what works.

Anti-Pattern 3: Winging It Instead of Directing

Most feedback isn’t bad — it’s misdirected. When the ask is fuzzy, the responses will be too. That’s not a failure of intelligence. It’s a failure of framing.

What it looks like:

“Any thoughts on these wireframes?”
Cue silence. Or worse, nitpicks about button colors and spacing.

Why it’s dangerous:
Unclear prompts lead to scattered input. You burn time discussing things that don’t matter yet — and miss the things that do.

What to do:

• Require every review to begin with a clear ask.

• If there's no framing, push back: “What kind of feedback will help you move forward?”

• Give templates. Build the muscle. Frame it right, or feedback fails.

The quality of feedback you get is directly shaped by how you ask for it. Coach teams to frame requests with surgical precision.

Level It Up: Teach Feedback by Phase

Even great teams get stuck when they ask the right questions at the wrong time. Someone critiques hex colors in an early sketch, or suggests a whole new feature during final polish. The result? Derailment and decision fatigue.

Teach teams to anchor feedback by phase — and make it clear what kind of input moves the work forward.

Early Discovery Phase (20% Baked)

“We’re exploring a new path. Pressure-test our assumptions.”

This is sketch mode. Feedback should focus on thinking, not polish.

✅ Ask:
– Are we solving the right problem?
– What’s missing?
– What assumptions feel worth validating?

❌ Skip:
– Visual tweaks
– Friendly copy
– Brand alignment

👉 Redirect: “Could we revisit that later? For now, we’re still stress-testing the direction.”

Definition & Delivery Phase (70% Baked)

“We’re validating the experience. Are we solving the problem the right way?”

Here, structure and copy are solidifying. Still time to shift — but the foundation is laid.

✅ Ask:
– Does the journey fit within the overall product experience?
– How will we know if we’ve solved the problem?
– What feels awkward or over-engineered?

❌ Skip:
– Rethinking the whole direction
– Late-stage pivots
– New feature ideas

👉 Redirect: “Great thought — we’re committed to this version for now, but let’s revisit that next round.”

The Bottom Line

The quality of product feedback is a direct reflection of how leaders model curiosity, manage power dynamics, and teach teams to ask for the right input at the right time.
If you want sharper work, start by creating sharper conversations.

So here’s the challenge: This week, say the honest thing — and encourage your team to do the same.

That’s how great teams get sharper — and how great products get built.